Readjusting

Im down in D.C. for a couple of days and went to the national mall to walk around for a couple of hours... what do you know... there is a China festival!  China follows me!  I ordered my dumplings from the food tent and I really wanted to order in Chinese just to freak the ABC (American Born Chinese) girl out... but that would be against my goal to reacclimate to American culture and act normal : ).  I looked in the gift shop out of curiousity and the souvineers were ten times the price of China.  Maybe I should have brought some back and hawked them outside... if I only knew : )

My first week back has gone well.  It's just weird... it's weird to be in two distinctly different envionrments in such a short amount of time.  I think that the biggest challenge is figuring out what to do with all that I saw and experienced.  How do I remember it, learn from it and not drown in the guilty of having left it?  One of the biggest temptations is just to forget, to move on from here and pretend that nothing happened.  It's easy to get wrapped up in planning a wedding and move straight into married life, followed by the childbearing years, followed by a cushy retirement.  Why did I go to China?  Why did I open my eyes to see sights that make my stomach hurt and expose my heart to realities that break it?  In truth, I've come home and put a smile on my face and feel ok most of the time, but there are days when I feel broken and powerless on the inside. 

While I was in China, I thought about my seemingly chaotic life.  If you look at my resume, you would be a little scared.  I've had a lot of jobs and I have two more degrees than are necessary.  I really didn't know what to do with myself for a while.  I bebopped around in various jobs (all of which I loved) trying to find a fit.  Finally, I settled on Speech Pathology (and LOVE IT).  When I thought about those years between high school and getting my first job in speech, I thought that my other experiences were all just random acts of a lost soul.  In China, I had the opporunity to use many of the skills that I had gained in those years.... I did job coaching, special education and gave low level advise about mental health issues.  During that time, I began to see life differently.  When it's all said and done, I believe that our experiences here on earth will be like one of those photomosaics, with every experience being its own but adding to the larger picture.  I think before I saw it more like a patch work quilt, each experience being there but not intertwined.  I don't think that's true because through our experiences, God grows us up.  He teaches us more about ourselves and about each other with each challenge that we face and then builds upon that to make us able to take what's next.  In thinking of it that way, my goal is to look forward to the next phase of life and be excited for how God will use the new skills, insights and passions that China has blessed me with as opposed to grieving for an experience that has ended.  Please keep me in your prayers as I figure out what is next : ) 

When I was thinking about this, I was reminded of the words of the Casting Crowns song "Already There"....

"From where you're standing Lord you see a grand design that you imagined when you breathed me into life and all the chaos comes together in your hands like a masterpiece of your picture perfect plan."

Chorus: One day I'll stand before you and look back on the life I've lived.  I can't wait to enjoy the view and see how all the pieces fit."