A Grateful Heart : )

NOTHING makes you more grateful than being away from home.  I learned a lot about God, people, life, myself etc in China, but one theme that popped up over and over is that I am incredibly blessed and have so many people to be grateful for.  I am blessed by the grace of an incredible God, the love of an amazing family, friends and fiance, political freedom, financial security, a good education, a healthy body, and the list could go on and on.  During my first week back to church, Pastor Scott preached on being grateful.  His sermon, along with my experiences this year reminded me of how blessed I've been by my community before, during and after my trip to China.  I think we sometimes forget about all of the resources that go into preparing us to step out and do something like going overseas.  

One of God's most amazing gifts is one another.  While we should always learn to rely and lean on God, He knows that sometimes we need the audible voice of a trusted friend, a physical shoulder to cry on and people to rejoice with.  Life's complex, its not fair, its exhausting, its sad while also being beautiful, exciting and amazing.... God gives us each other to navigate the ups and downs of this world.  

Making lists of people that you are grateful for is always dangerous because you don't want to leave anyone out so I'll say now that this is not an exhaustive list... its more categorical.  I've been so blessed by Pastor Bryan, the Becks, Shananon Libengood, Hannah Zappa and Dana Hunter who have encouraged me and prayed for and with me before, during and after my trip.  I came to the East End two and a half years ago feeling lost and not sure about what I believed.  Pastor Bryan has put a lot of time into answering my theological questions and encouraging me in my faith, he's definately given me an understanding of Northway's mission statement to "Freeing People to Follow Jesus."  I'm also grateful for my small group, I loved learning about God with you weekly!  My financial supporters... I was blown out of this world by your support... I was sure that I would be begging people for money up until I  got on the plane but that wasn't the case.  I was blessed by my home church, Pittsburgh Chinese Church, Whitehall Presbyterian, Faith Chapel and friends and family.  Thank you all for your financial sacrifice, I'm humbled and challenged by your generocity.  I was also blessed by the love of the local and foreign staff while I was in China (I won't name names for security reasons).  Soooo many people opened their homes to me and went out of their way to make me feel loved.  Northway has three families of global partners over there and I stayed with all three of them at some point.  They gave me a home away from home and I'm so grateful for that.  Serving in orphanages definately makes you grateful for your family. At one point I was holding an infant and the realization that that little two month old baby is in this world on their own broke my heart.  Along with being supportive of my every venture, my family has always been the joy of my life,  I love simply being with them.  One of the families that I was staying with commented on that after overhearing a facetime conversation with my older sister.  He commented that I always sound like I'm having such a good time when I call home and its true, they kept me sane and encouraged : )   DEFINITELY not least... BILL.  I can't overstate how important his support has been. Not having his encouragement would have killed me.  It's hard to be engaged and on two different continents.... not only did he do more than his share of the wedding planning, but he continues to patiently handle my readjustment back home.  I can't believe God's given me someone that's so good to me.  I'm so blessed!  

All of this to say.... THANK YOU ALL!  

Many of you know Sarah Briggs who has also recently returned from overseas, her and I would love to invite you to hear more about what God is doing globally.  I'm excited to hear from Sarah, she did outreach in 11 countries this year and I know she has a lot to share!  See the picture below for details:

P.S.  PCC, Whitehall and Faith Chapel:  you are more than welcome to attend this event, I am also in the process of speaking with your churches about a good time to come out your way as well : ) 

 

Readjusting

Im down in D.C. for a couple of days and went to the national mall to walk around for a couple of hours... what do you know... there is a China festival!  China follows me!  I ordered my dumplings from the food tent and I really wanted to order in Chinese just to freak the ABC (American Born Chinese) girl out... but that would be against my goal to reacclimate to American culture and act normal : ).  I looked in the gift shop out of curiousity and the souvineers were ten times the price of China.  Maybe I should have brought some back and hawked them outside... if I only knew : )

My first week back has gone well.  It's just weird... it's weird to be in two distinctly different envionrments in such a short amount of time.  I think that the biggest challenge is figuring out what to do with all that I saw and experienced.  How do I remember it, learn from it and not drown in the guilty of having left it?  One of the biggest temptations is just to forget, to move on from here and pretend that nothing happened.  It's easy to get wrapped up in planning a wedding and move straight into married life, followed by the childbearing years, followed by a cushy retirement.  Why did I go to China?  Why did I open my eyes to see sights that make my stomach hurt and expose my heart to realities that break it?  In truth, I've come home and put a smile on my face and feel ok most of the time, but there are days when I feel broken and powerless on the inside. 

While I was in China, I thought about my seemingly chaotic life.  If you look at my resume, you would be a little scared.  I've had a lot of jobs and I have two more degrees than are necessary.  I really didn't know what to do with myself for a while.  I bebopped around in various jobs (all of which I loved) trying to find a fit.  Finally, I settled on Speech Pathology (and LOVE IT).  When I thought about those years between high school and getting my first job in speech, I thought that my other experiences were all just random acts of a lost soul.  In China, I had the opporunity to use many of the skills that I had gained in those years.... I did job coaching, special education and gave low level advise about mental health issues.  During that time, I began to see life differently.  When it's all said and done, I believe that our experiences here on earth will be like one of those photomosaics, with every experience being its own but adding to the larger picture.  I think before I saw it more like a patch work quilt, each experience being there but not intertwined.  I don't think that's true because through our experiences, God grows us up.  He teaches us more about ourselves and about each other with each challenge that we face and then builds upon that to make us able to take what's next.  In thinking of it that way, my goal is to look forward to the next phase of life and be excited for how God will use the new skills, insights and passions that China has blessed me with as opposed to grieving for an experience that has ended.  Please keep me in your prayers as I figure out what is next : ) 

When I was thinking about this, I was reminded of the words of the Casting Crowns song "Already There"....

"From where you're standing Lord you see a grand design that you imagined when you breathed me into life and all the chaos comes together in your hands like a masterpiece of your picture perfect plan."

Chorus: One day I'll stand before you and look back on the life I've lived.  I can't wait to enjoy the view and see how all the pieces fit." 

Homeward Bound!

I'm currently sitting in Chicago airport waiting for my final flight home : )   It's been quite the day, it started with my 5am pick-up in China.  I dragged my bags to the curb outside of my apt where I awaited foe the rented car.  I heard my car before I saw it...why?  Perhaps because the driver was driving without headlights in the dark hours of the morning.  Oh China, I thought to myself!  The driver was so nice and helped me get my bags onto a cart so I could check in.  The flight from KMG to Shanghai was uneventful, the only obnoxious part was that they made me pick up my checked bags in Shanghai and re-check them which ended up adding a long, annoying step to an already long day.  One of the other families living in China (not the city that I am in) was also flying through Shanghai on the same day at about the same time as me... we hung out during our layover which was really nice.  I've had a tough time thinking about leaving China and I think that it was good to have the company during the long layover to avoid being the crazy, crying foreigner, a role I have played far too often duing my time here : ).  The airline wouldn't let me check my bags in until 12:30 (I arrived around 10:45) and I was standing in line as soon as it opened.  When they opened check-in, it was like letting the horses out of the gates at Preakness!  Everyone was anxious to get their bags checked and head through security.  The first wave of travelors went up to the counter and then stood there.... FOR OVER AN HOUR!  The computer system for all of United Airlines in Shanghai was down and they didn't know when they were going to get it fixed.  They just kept making announcements saying that they are unable to check anyone in.  I started to panic... I've been away from my fiance for eight months and enough is enough, I was ready to board that plane.  What I didn't know is that boarding the plane was only half of my long day of airline travels... The plane from Shanghai to Chicago had all sorts of crazy going on.  First it was late, then we boarded and sat at the gate for almost two and a half hours!  The story of why we were sitting there changed with every apologetic but nonetheless annoying, announcement.  First it was traffic controls fault, then we were waiting for maintenance.  At one point the had to shut the plane down to fix something which cut the AC off.  It was so hot I thought people were going to have heat strokes... Luckily I have seen the Chinese remedy for heat strokes so I was ready to jump to the rescue with Eastern medicine!  Well by the time we got on our way I knew that I wasn't going to make my connecting flight in Chicago, the question was whether there was room on the final flight that night o whether I would have to spend the night at the airport which would have been terrible.  The flight went shockingly fast considering that we were on there much longer than we should have been and there weren't personal tv screens which make the time go faster.  The airport in Chicago was a little stressful because so many people either missed their flights and were mad or were close to missing their flights so they were frantic.  I no longer like O'Hare... We really need a better system for incoming international flights... This getting your bags, re-checking them and going through security again is bananas.  It took a really long time, but I got my favorite moment... When the customs officer says "welcome home"  I LOVE that!  Everytime leave, I remember home much I love my home :  ). I also wanted to belt out patriotic songs at the site of the American flag : ).  My mood dampened a little bit when I boarded my last flight and they announced that we were running late because they didn't have the pilot... Unreal United Airlines, unreal!  We only ended up leaving half an hour late which is an improvement over my earlier flight. Right now I'm skimming through Skymall wondering if you can register for wedding gifts from them... I love their inventions they truely are genius!  Really I'm just  distracting myself as I await our descent into Pittsburgh where my Bill will meet me and we'll be with each other forever ; ).  I'm still processing through my experience in China, but regardless of what I'll be up to next,  I know that I want to be there with my Bill.  I love China and always will, but right now it's good to be home : ) 

My skymall registery: 1.  can you imagine being next to the guy inflating that massive pillow!  I really got a neck ache from laying on the tray table today and I could have used that... 2. Who says attaching a hot beverage to your laptop is a bad idea?  Not when you have this Skymall original!  3.  Jumping the gun a little here but i think our kids should be strapped onto bills shoulders by their legs that way we can't lose them : ). 4. Last but not least, voice activated r2d2 robot!!! I love it!  If I included the amazing pet inventions I could have gone on and on, but, Bill says "no cats" and I'm not encouraging the dog conversation so it ends here... If we ever have a pet, it won't ever get anything from Skymall because that's a terrible use of resources, but there are some fun contraptions for the k9 crowd to dream of!

,

Malaysia Continued

Im writing from an airport that is so small that it looks like a drivers ed. course.  The size of the runway makes me wonder how big the plane is going to be...Im a little scared!  This place reeks with adventure... even sitting in this airport makes me feel like I am in another time.  Its an open air waiting room with big fans to keep people from passing out from the oppressive heat.  The runway is lined with palmtrees and backed by a mountain.  I feel like I'm on Lost... where's the men in the jumpsuits working for the Darma Initiative?  Better question.... where's Sawyer?  Joking... I'm an engaged women : ).  My trip to the airport was also an adventure.  I love when public transportation and extreme sports collide into one.  It's a good way to feed your need for a rush and get where you're going in one bill.  My transportation here was a speed boat.  It was a really nice ride and I got to see the waterfront on some of the other resort beaches... I liked mine the best, it wasn't in the tourbook so I think its less known making it less populated.  I do have some complaints about the "resort."  When I got there I was absolutely exhausted and just wanted to go to bed, but first I needed to ensure that I would never make the trip that I had just made... it was way too long and complicated and ate up too much precious time.  I had seen that there was an airport on the island but never looked into a flight because I assumed that it would be too expensive.  While I was waiting for the ferry to the island I went to KFC and used the WiFi to look up a flight.  It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought so I booked it, or so I thought.  While sitting on the ferry, I looked at the screen shot that I had taken of my flight information and saw that it wasn't the final confirmation page.  This was a serious problem because I had booked a one way boat ticket to the island and they said that there is no way to book ferry tickets once you are on the island.  This meant that if that flight was booked, I was stuck.  Im running a pretty tight ship here and don't have much room for error... Only one flight goes to Kunming from Malaysia a day and if I miss it, I'll miss my flight back to the States.  Soooo my first order of business was to look into this flight.  The internet at the "resort" didn't work.  I politely talked to the receptionist about it and explained that I reallly needed internet to book a plane ticket.  She was neither helpful nor concerned.  I tried to hold the "ugly American" in me back but this place advertises that it has internet... THIS IS FALSE ADVERTISING... I wanted to scream.  One thing that I've learned is that customer service is viewed very differently in different countries and I don't really know if they care about false advertising here.  I was almost in tears.  I went to her again and she agreed to call the airport.... they were closed. As I walked to my room, I carefully crafted the review that I would post online about this resort.  It couldn't be overly bitter or it would be cast aside as the ravings of a lunatic... I would get my revenge one way or another.  Then I went to my room.... the key didn't work... so I dragged my suitcase back to reception... the women there looked like she wanted me dead... they called maintance and then I dragged my bag back to my room.  He opened the door for me... the pictures online displayed a nice, clean room... FALSE ADVERTISING!  I actually think that there were more bugs in the room than outside.  Luckily they weren't scary bugs, they were fairly small.  Although a couple of them were jumping around happily on my bed... "are those flees?"  I wondered.  I don't know... there's no internet so I can't look it up!  Then I saw the bathroom.  When you flush the toilet the water runs all over the floor.  A lot of water, truely it floods the bathroom.  On closer examination, I noticed that the water running everywhere is coming from the pipe in the back so at least it should be clean.  After showering I watched half of "The Butler" (great movie!) and went to bed.  In the moring life was better.  I called the airport and booked my flight... as I sit here Im laughing at myself for my panic... there are five people in this airport, its unlikely that the plane will be full.  Internet access returned after I booked my flight over the phone which was good because I wanted to let Bill know that I had made it.  One more comment about the room... the next day I noticed that the pillow was the moldiest piece of material I've ever seen.  Half of me was concerned for my health since I sleep on my stomach and basically inhale my pillow, the other half of me wished that that pillow could talk.  Oh the tales it must have.  How could a pillow get that moldy?  Was it in a flood, perhaps it was shipwrecked... I can't even fathom what could make a pillow that moldy.   There weren't moldy pillows in the pictures, but there might be after my carefully crafter review!  I love the power that internet gives the consumer, we always have a voice and I like it!

The room came with a free breakfast buffet which was nice.  Unfortunately I mistook the fish sauce on the table for syrup.  That was disappointing as I have really been craving pancakes... I didn't expect fish sauce to be a staple for breakfast.  Next I embarked on my goal to relax.  I relaxed for about 45 minutes and then got bored so I decided to go for a hike in the jungle.  My hike was cut really short... I started to enter the jungle but a huge reptile jumped out at me.  I don't know what it is called (I asked a local person but they told me the local name which I forget) but it was basically an iguana the size of an alligator.   I ran and never ventured into the jungle again!  So that drove me back to relaxing and let me tell you, I need a hammock in my life.  I love them!  I was a little sad as I ate dinner at the ocean front restaurant.  The waiter asked if I was alone and I said yes.  My adventures have been amazing but Im ready to have an adventure buddy for life with me ; ).  Miss you Bill!  I went to bed pretty early.  Im used to traveling alone, but this country makes me a little nervous.  The guide book recommended that women not travel alone, which I didn't read until I was on the plane here and it was too late.  That warning made me a little nervous because they said that people think of western women as being loose and can target them.  Its hard to know the line between being cautious and being paranoid, but with two days left, I'm not taking any chances.  This morning I returned to my hammock until taking the boat to the airport.  I can's wait to see this plane!  

Pictures of the airport!

Update:  I have a whole new respect for aviation.  You really realize the miracle that flight is when you are on a plane with a propellor. I sat in the window seat right next to the propellor and realized that if anything stopped that little device from spinning, we would fall into the sea in seconds... It was a terrifying realization, followed by another terrifying discovery.  I looked at the arm rest that I was clutching and saw the rectangular metal box with the word "push" carved into it... AN ASHTRAY!  How old is this plane?  When was the last time people were allowed to smoke on a plane?  

I'm now sitting at my hostel.  I went out and saw the towers but that was all that I had time for.  My hostel is in a shady area and I was afraid to be out at night so I'm getting up extra early tomorrow to go visit a mosque.  Also I can't believe how western this place is... I forgot how amazing it is to have so many food choices... My head was spinning from the choices!  

W.S.

This trip was my second time to W.S. this year.  I was there for about three weeks in March right before I came home for a visit.  I had a rough time during my last visit.  I moved up there right around the time when my nephew was born and internet was tough which meant that I didn't get to call Bill or my brother and sister-in-law very easily.  Then I found out that my grandpap was receiving hostice care.  It's really hard to be away from home during times like that.  During my time in China, this was the period when I was the most homesick.  Unfortunately, W.S. is the site (I feel) that has the most amount of opportunities for me to get involved in and I was struggling to keep myself focused.  I spent a lot of time walking and crying in the evenings after work, it was tough.  This was also the site that was the hardest in regards to the language barrier.  The team that I worked with are all local staff members with the exception of one person and she speaks fluent Chinese.  Also, they have a local dialect which I don't understand at all.  This meant that I really didn't understand anything that was happening ever and that I had a hard time communicating with everyone.  The women that I stayed with are AMAZING!  They never stop, they had people over almost every night and poured into so many people's lives.  I was so blessed to see their work.... it was just tough on me (I'm not complaining just explaining) because I didn't want to be rude so I hung out with everyone but didn't understand ANYTHING.  It's really tiring and lonely to be in that situation all day long.  All of this to say that I had a tough time last time I was there, but felt much better and got a lot accomplished this time.  Also, one of their staff members stepped up and said that she wanted to be committed to making a speech therapy program there which was really exciting!  It's tough to just give general tips to everyone (although its good to do that), I like to have at least one person to really pour into. 

This site has a therapy center which was providing physical therapy services and wanted to start speech therapy but hadn't yet.  They also go into the state run orphanage (Im planning to talk about the orphanage in a later post).  I spent my time in W.S. working with the new speech therapist and teaching her how to assess and provide treatment for the kids there.  I also worked on leaving some materials for them to use.  My heart is to not just focus on speech therapy, but also special education services.  None of these kids go to school so unless their parents or our center teach them academic skills, they won't get them.  I see a lot of kids that have average or close to average cognitive skills but don't have the academic skills that they should have because no one is teaching them anything.  I've also found that when we teach them these academic skills, it really impresses people (becasue they think of these kids as not being capable of learning) and changes the way that people (including their parents) view them.  I love when I'm either teaching kids or doing an assessment and we find that they are capable of things that people never expected.  Some of these kids are trapped in their bodies and just need someone to advocate for them/teach them how to advocate for themselves.  

I'm really hoping that the work that was done at the orphanage carries on, but I don't know :(   It is a trickier sitaution because there are less staff members who go to the orphanage so I wonder if the special education portion will be lost as it seems that the physical therapy takes priority :(   I'm hoping things will carry on and did all that I could to encourage.  Along with training the org. staff, I also shared  my ideas with some of the foreigners who also volunteer there hoping that between everyone, someone will teach the kids something.  I feel like my experience with the two older girls who are currently job training was a big eye opener.  The orphanage kids also don't go to school.... what's going to happen to them when they age out?  When you release kids with no skills its a disaster for eveyone.  I made a special education program (mostly math with some literacy components) that goes up to 2nd grade skills.  Right now the kids are not even at pre-school skills so it will take them a while to get them up to 2nd grade skills.  I think that this is important not only because of the skills that it will teach these kids but also the fact that it will make them learners, give us an opportunity to build up their self-esteem and resilency, give them respect that they deserve but aren't getting and teach them how to operate in a learning environment.  I won't get into the situation at the orphanage on this post but will say that they exhibit textbook orphanage behavior.  I did a poster presentation in grad school about institutionalized kids so I read a lot of the research... they acted exactly how the authors of the articles described.  Basically there is no structure in their day so they roam around doing nothing.  This leaves them with no abilty to participate in group activities, persevere or interact with peers.  It's sad and regardless of where they end up, they don't have the life skills that they need to be successful.  HATE IT : (  It was the most heartbreaking setting ever.  I cried on my way home EVERY time I went because you could see another aspect of sadness everyday.  Just when you thought that the world couldn't knock these kids down again, it did.  But... I pray for a miracle in the life of every kid there.  I pray for families to swoop in and give them their hearts desire... To feel loved.

ZD

I'm a little behind with blogging but as generally happens, I catch up while I am traveling.  Right now I am sitting on the floor of a bus station in Malaysia where I will be waiting for my bus for the next 10 hours.... sometimes I make really stupid travel plans and this is one of those time : ).  Anyway, just wanted to write about a couple of things that I haven't had a chance to talk about. 

In the beginning of May I spent some time up in ZD.  I love it up there because it is basically as close to Tbt as I may ever get.  The scenery is AMAZING... I love looking at the mountains and the people up there were really rewarding to work with.  While I was up there, I worked with an ex-pat who has been providing special education services for some of the kids at the rehab center.  Some of them also have speech needs so I did assessments, treatment plans and staff training.  It was a real blessing to see how involved two of the parents in particular were.  One of the girls is about 13 and has cerebral palsey.  She doesn't go to school but her family has taken the time to teach her academic skils at home and she is able to read.  This is pretty unusual so it was really encouraging to see them treat her as someone who can learn and lead a productive life.  There was another parent of a younger child that was so attuned to her kid.   This little girl has pretty severe cerebral palsey but does seem to have fairly good cognitive skills.  She is unable to speak and is also unable to use her hands... this makes communication tricky and it also makes it difficult to determine understanding since we generally have kids who are unable to speak touch pictures to request items and/or touch pictures to answer questions.  I was trying to encourage her to use her eye gaze to make selections and that was going pretty well.  When I asked her mom if she has found a way to communicate with her, her mom told me that the girl makes certain faces to communicate certain things... for example, there is a milk that she likes and the container has a person making a particular face so this little girl makes that face when she wants that milk.  This may not seem that exciting, but it is!  This mom considers her child a communicator despite her severe impairments and encourages her to use whatever she can to communicate (most parents want perfect speech or nothing).  Wait for it, it gets better.... We dropped in on this mom unexpectedly one day and she had made a tent in her front yard where she was doing physical therapy with her daughter when we drove up... she considers herself her childs teacher/therapist!  This is EVERY teacher/therapists dream... to have carryover at home!  I love this lady!  

During this trip I also had the opportunity to go to a leprosy village which was different.  There is still Leprocy here.  It's not that common but when it does happen its really sad.  People are forced out of their home villages and made to stay in a leprosy village.  This is done because of fear, the villagers don't want to be infected so they throw the infected person out.  This village was so far out in the middle of the mountains that we had to drive down this windy road, where we really also drove off of the cliff.... It was really narrow and it was muddy.  Driving through the mud felt similar to driving on ice... We were all silently praying as we felt the tires sliding.  If it slid too far we would go off of the cliff.  We couldn't even drive all of the way in, we had to park the car and hike to actually reach the village.  I will admit that I am not well educated on this disease and asked our team a lot of questions.  They were saying that actually 90% of peopleare immune to leprosy in the first place and that it isn't contageous once treated.  The sad thing is that even after these people are treated their home village wont let them back in so they stay in the leprosy  village forever : (.   Its especially sad to see kids of affected people there... they may never leave there because of the stigma of having a family member with leprosy.  Our team went so that the Dr. could check up on the villagers and also so that one of our team members could train them on how to harvest honey.  Since there is the social stigma around leprosy, its hard for people from this  village to have any source for cash.  They farm and herd for food, but if a need would arise requiring money, they don't have any.  One of the resources that they do have access to is bees.  So one of the team members brought in a bee hive and taught the villagers how to use it.  They had some older hives already but this new one allows for a greater return.  

Oh and on the way to this village, we found a man in a ditch on the side of the road.  He was on a motorcycle and had flipped it and cracked his head off of a rock (almost no one wears helmets here). His head was bleeding pretty bad and he was conscious but confused.  We ended up taking him to the ER and staying with him until he was stable and his family arrived...it was a long day!  Also, the ER never gave this guy any pain meds... His head was cracked open and not so much as aspirin!  I felt so bad for him, he looked like he was in so much pain : (

Here are some pictures of the leprosy village.  The government gave them supplies to make concrete houses which was nice because their old houses were pretty run down.

Malaysia : )

I NEEDED one more adventure... or did I?  I admire my enthusiasm until it gets me taking a four hour flight, followed by sitting in a bus station for 10 hours overnight in a country that I don't know, followed by a 5 hour bus ride, followed by a two hour boat ride all just for a day and a half at the beach... WHAT WAS I THINKING???  I guess I was thinking that I've never been to Malaysia and that I may not have the opportunity to get there anytime soon... I was also thinking that I'm pretty tired and that I need a rest (forgetting that being up for 24 hours isn't a rest).  All I have to say is that this better be a really nice beach.  

My day today started with it's normal chaos... Yesturday I ran over to the rehab clinic to say good-bye only to find that they have a new staff member who wants to be their new speech therapist.  This is a young lady who I met and did a one day training with last year but who has just recently reappeared....I'VE BEEN HERE FOR EIGHT MONTHS AND THIS IS HAPPENING NOW???  I wanted to cry... Ive worked with this site a lot but one of the problems was that we didnt have anyone long term and it is really encouraging that they have soneone now but really frustrating that the timing is terrible.  This women is sooooo motivated and I'm excited that she is taking on this new role, I just wish that I had more time to train her but I found out yesturday and my flight was already booked : (   Soooo this morning I ran over to rehab to give her a crash course in speech pathology and also give her the resources that I made and answer any questions that she had.  After that I headed to the airport... let me go back... when I woke up I tried to call Bill and book a bus ticket for Malaysia but the internet was turned off in a couple of neighborhoods around us so I couldn't do either (remember the bus situation as i blame china and their internet for my current plight).  Then I headed to the bus station to take the bus to the airport.  I was literally just walking up to the station when the bus started pulling away, I tried to chase him but he wouldn't stop : (   Soooo I had to wait for half an hour.  While I was waiting I decided to get a drink from a place across the street that has smoothy type drinks.  They were out of coffee flavored and chocolate and those are the only two words that I can say and the menu is in Chinese so I couldn't get a drink.  Really really ready to go home!  Finally I got on the bus and headed to the airport.  Kunming China.... please have those kiosk check-ins at the airport likeevery other place in the world so that all million of us aren't standing in line behind the family that is over their luggage limit and is repacking in the aisle.  Finally I made it through the line and security and to my gate.  While I was waiting I thought that it would be a good idea to take a picture of my gnome and my boarding pass (I know its weird but I get bored sometimes).  I guess I dropped my boarding pass or left it on the seat or something because after I moved to a different seat I heard the only message over the loud speaker that was in English requesting Rebecca Fullmer to proceeed to the desk to get her boarding pass.  SO thankful for the kind soul who found it and turned it in!  

The flight went smoothly... I had the whole row to myself because there are not a lot of people flying from China to Malaysia right now.  Now the sad story starts, although Im realizing that this day was doomed to begin with.   I was going to have an "Amazing Race" adventure.... My plan was to run from the airport to the trasit train that goes to the long distance bus station and then catch an overnight bus to the ferry station and then a ferry to my island.  Let me just add here... Bill told me that this was a bad idea and wondered why I wouldn't just stay in a hotel for the night... I told him that that wasn't as fun....  BUT I will tell you Bill that I am currently typing on the wireless keyboard that you insisted that I would never use so that's one point for each of us ; )  

My Amazing Race moment went well in the beginning.... I FLEW off of the plane almost knocking everyone out of my way as I tried to beat the whole plane to the immigration line (which I did).... little plug here for Malaysia as I like to give credit where credit is due... they don't make you fill out an arrival card!  Genius!  Someone finally sees how much of a waist of paper and life those cards are... just scan the passport... it knows where I was.  Way to be leaders in ending stupidity at the airport Mayalsian Customs!!!  After making it through customs, I did well with finding an ATM and making it onto the correct train.  The bus station is where I was U-Turned....the bus was full : (   I landed here at 9:30pm and was hoping to catch the 11:30pm night bus but now I have to take the 9am bus... Im pretty sad about this because I'm really tired and don't want to stay awake all night, nor do I want to fall asleep and get robbed.   All I can think is that if someone takes my passport I'll miss my flght to that States on Sunday and that would be tragic!  More than that, I'm disappointed with how much of my day tomorrow will be waisted sitting on a bus and a boat : (  Oh well, nothing to be done.  The good news is that my time over here is almost done and I think the entire region is rising up to give me sign after sign that it's time for me to go home... for that I thank them.... I will miss a lot of things but I won't miss sitting on this cold hard floor for 10 hours.

Southeast Asia scores another point.... Southeast Asia 985   Becca 0    

On a more positive note and to update you all on the bathroom situation... there is a squatty potty- it does flush, it also has what one of the hostels in Cambodia referred to as "a bum gun" (I'm actually not sure what you really call them) but here is the big news... it has a sanitary way to dispose of feminine hygiene products!  Yay for taking that grossness out of the bathroom scene : ) 

One another happy note... There is a Dunkin Donuts at this station that was closed when I got here but I'll probably be their first customer tomorrow morning!!!  I need a happy thought to hold onto for the next seven hours and a half hours... I still have SEVEN AND A HALF HOURS.... I'm crying inside... never again... my ridiculous adventuring days are over to be replaced with travel plans that make sense and are pre-booked and don't require this level of awakeness during the middle of the night : ) 

Two updates.... Police came around at about 330 am and started yelling, it scared me because I didn't understand what they were saying so I just sat there... It worked they took two people away but left the rest of us.   Also, I was the first person at dunkin donuts, I started creeping on them around 5am but the didn't open til 8.  It was a long wait but soooo worth it!  Also, hostels in kl cost $8-$10 a night.... Why did I sit in the bus station for 10 hours?  I don't know. 

Why G0d?

This is one of those posts that I want to write because through writing I gain clarity... it orders my chaotic thoughts into something bite size, organized and manageable.  But I don't know where to begin on this one...

I'll begin with this... its been a hard week for reasons that I can't discuss now, but I'll say that we live in a sad world that doesn't make sense.  Sometimes it feels like the weak and the innocent suffer while the evil ones get their way.  These sort of weeks always bring the theological question that I can't quite come to terms with... Why does G0d let it happen?  This leads down another path of wondering who G0d really is.  In the past when I tried to process this question, it inevitably led to confusion, disappointment and/or anger.  Confusion because I can't understand why an all powerful G0d wouldn't intervene on behalf of the innocent. Disappointment because I want to believe in a G0d that fights the bad guys... I want Him to save people from suffering.  Anger because if I believe that He can intervene and doesn't, then how can He be as loving as He says.  In the past I've come to the conclusion that I only have two choices....I can believe in a loving G0d who has no power or I can believe in an all powerful G0d who lacks love.  Neither seems correct, comforting or logical.  

In an effort to figure life out, I started reading Philip Yancey's latest book called "The Question That Never Goes Away."  Good book.   In this book he was asked to visit the site of three recent tragedies, Japan (tsunami), Sarajevo and Newtown Connecticut and speak about where G0d is in our pain.  I'm glad I don't have his job.  He makes numerous good points in his book.  I'm not sure that they totally answer, or more truthfully, they don't give me the answer that I want to this question, but its a start.  What I want to happen is for G0d to give us free will but save us when our free will gets us into trouble.  That just doesn't seem to be how it goes. 

So I guess the answer I've come to (right or wrong) is this.... yes, G0d is good.  I've seen too much goodness around me to be able to deny that fact.  Some of the good things I've seen don't make sense other than the fact that they are G0d's goodness.  Part of His goodness is that He makes us free.  I love freedom... I hate being confined or restricted.  There are those times in your life where your own freedom overwhelms you with pure joy... I remember when I was 17, my cousin and I snuck away to the beach for a couple of days (My mom and dad didn't find out at the time, but I think I told them years later?  If not. here's my confession!).  We slept in a car in the Walmart parking lot... it wasn't a luxury vacation but I remember the elation in my heart as I stood on the beach as a 17 year old and though "I'm free."   I get this rush every time I travel, every time I go on a road trip and on the last day of school (both as a kid and as an employee!).  I love being free!  I'm reading 1984 right now and the thought of having my freedom taken, whether it be by humans or by a deity, isn't enticing.  We (as the Human race), have the freedom to make this world what we want it to be.  I believe that most of us, most of the time, use our free will to make our world amazing.  We are creative, fun, loving and hardworking, all of which result in a world filled with beauty.  But we (as the Human race) also have a dark side.  It's this side that we see when we see horrific things like war, starvation, abuse, etc.  I guess that's as good as I'll get in this lifetime at understanding why bad happens.  

  

In the conclusion of his book, Yancey gives three answers to the question, "Where is God?" 

1.  Emmanuel... G0d with us.   Christmas and Easter... G0d could have solved the problem of humanity in a lot of different ways but He choose to send J3sus to us on Christmas.  Then Easter came...He didn't prevent suffering on Good Friday but He redeemed the bad and made it good on Sunday.  The life of J3sus proves that G0d understands human suffering because He has experienced it.  It also proves His power, while He didn't prevent the suffering (crucifixion), He overcame it in the resurrection.  

2.  In the Chrch (Chrch doesn't mean the building... it means it's people).   I've cried a lot the past couple of days because I want answers and I want solutions... My tears aren't tears of the victim because I'm not the victim... I'm the seemingly helpless bystander.  I want to save people that I don't have power to save and lift them out of situations that I can't lift them out of.  One of the quotes in the book is this, "We in the chrch have work to do.  Some have particular gifts: counseling, medical assistance, building houses, other practical ways of helping.  All of us have love.  Suffering isolates, batters self-image, ravages hope; a loving presence can prevail over all three."  Earlier in the book, Yancey points out that while we don't have an answer for "why" bad things happen, we can positively respond in two ways... we can find meaning in the suffering and we can come to help those in need.  

3.  G0d is preparing a new home for us.  Another encouraging quote "Two thousand years later, we live out our days as if on Holy Saturday, the in-between day.  We look back on Good Friday and its clear sign that no suffering is irredeemable; we look ahead with unrequited longing for a creation made new.  Suspended in the meantime, we get not a remedy for suffering but a use for it, a pattern of meaning."

In closing, I felt like this quote summed it up (last quote, at what point does Philip Yancey sue me for reproducing his book : ) ) "God entered the drama of human history as one of it's characters, not with a display of omnipotence but in a most intimate and vulnerable way.  On a small scale, person to person, J3sus encountered the kinds of suffering common to all of us.  And how did He respond?  Avoiding philosophical theories and theological lessons, He reached out with healing and compassion.  He forgave sin, healed the afflicted, cast out evil, and even overcame death.  From His brief time on earth, we gain not only a bright and shining clue to the future but also a clear example of how we his followers should respond to those who suffer."  

Ode to Mothers : )

Happy Mothers Day!!!

I have three mothers or categories of mothers that I would like to say something about...

1.  Mommy Dearest!  I LOVE my mom!  I couldn't have asked for a more compassionate, strong and loving mom.  A mom who raised four kids overseas... homeschooled and all!  When I look back on my childhood, what I see are parents who somehow had a call on their life but never cheated their own kids out of their love... that's hard to do.  No matter where we roamed, they always made us feel at home even when that meant dragging crates and boxes all over the world (thanks dad!).  Throughout adolescents and into adulthood, my mom has always been there for me, regardless of how much was going on in her own life (and with working full-time and being a pstr wife, that was a lot!).  I remember when I was in college at Penn State, my mom drove up to take me grocery shopping and spend the day with me... she had an appointment for work about an hour and a half away but claimed that it wasn't that far out of her way... who does that?  MY MOM!  I love you mom... Happy Mother's Day!

2.  The mom's of Chn.  I have seen some hard things here, but it would be an injustice to not report on the amazing stories and most of the heart warming stories involve an amazing mom.  At the various rehab centers that I've worked in, I have met so many mom's that have done the ultimate act of love... they have kept their children despite their severe disabilties.  This may not seem that impressive to us because we are raised in a society that thinks differently... but trust me, their choice is the most loving, brave and sacrificial decision I have ever seen.  These mom's have endured the ridicule of their families and their community... some have even lost their husbands over the decision.  Their choice to keep their child is sacrificial because they are giving up access to a normal life, they are giving up on the dream of having a "normal" child and in a lot of situations, they are making a decision that will isolate them from their community.  May G0d honor and bless these moms for their love.

3.  Foster moms.  I am humbled to spend Mother's Day with a women who (with her husband) has fostered 78 babies... SEVENTY-EIGHT!!!  I made the comment today that I felt like we were playing "whack a mole."  They currently have a two month old, four month old, six month old, seven month old, two year old and six year old.  A couple of them have a virus so they are a little cranky... I would be holding one and then hear another one cry so I would put the one down to get the second one and the first one would start up again : )   It's not easy having so many little ones!  It's sort of a long story, but it was basically my trip back to Guiyang 3 years ago that made me truely believe in G0d again.  When you see love that is so selfless, you see G0d.  

When I think about the people that foster children, I am humbled by their love... they make the decision to love kids as if they are their own and then they say good-bye to them... I can't even imagine how hard that must be.   May G0d give them strength when they grow weary.  

Happy Mother's Day everyone!  

Scatting Across Asia

Oh the things that we remember from childhood... In 6th or 7th grade we went to a nature reserve as a field trip.  For the life of me, I can't remember where it was or what we did... all that I remember was the chant that we learned about the scientific name for poop... This chant was memorable because it referred to a swear word which shocked my sweet, sheltered heart!  The chant went like this "It starts with an "s" and ends with a "t," but lets not call it that, lets be scientific and call it "scat."  

No travel blog in Asia would be complete with AT LEAST one conversation about the bathroom situation.   It's too entertaining not to share : )  I feel as though I have experienced, or at least heard of, every possible bathroom situation imaginable.  The general rules are this... unless it's starbucks, it will be a "squatty potty," there will be no toilet paper so bring your own and perhaps there will be a sink but no soap.  The variation in "squatty potties" is shocking.  The ones in a nicer home or in downtown will flush, making them fairly clean... One other important fact, you can NEVER flush toilet paper.  It will clog the toilet and so it has to be thrown in a trashcan (think about this... its kind of gross what is going on in that garabage can... sorry but I have to say this... especially in the womens bathroom... There seems to be a national movement against despising of famine hygiene products in a sanitary way).

 

With Chns billions upon billions of people, the cleanliness of the bathroom is directly related to two questions...1.  Does the toilet flush? and 2. Has anyone taken out the garbage in the past week?  So the best toilet situation is Starbucks because they have a western toilet, it flushes and they take out the garabage.  Initially I was naive enough to think that cleanliness was the only factor in determining the acceptability of a bathroom.... I quickly learned that privacy is actually more important to me.  I have something against peeing in public which has served me well in the states but has lead to anxiety or the urge to "hold it" on really long bus trips in Asia.  Sooo, classifying bathrooms gets tricky, its almost a matter of personal choice about what's most important... Cleanliness, privacy or conscientiously about the environment (I'll explain this more later).  

So here are some sample bathroom situations:  One popular option is a long ditch that reaches all the way across the bathroom with stalls along the ditch.  Some of these have water running through them to wash away the waste and other ones don't.  If it's one with water, don't go in the last stall because that's where all of the scat (heehee) settles.  Then there is the terrifying situation where no one feels the need to put up stall walls or stall walls on all sides.  So you are basically doing your business with an audience... I especially hate this situation and will do almost anything to avoid it... unfortunately these are common in the bathrooms at rest stops along bus routes.  When you are on a 15 hour bus ride, your privacy loses the battle.  Then there is the moving transportation (train and boat) issue.  This is where your environmental issues arise... there is just a hole and everything dumps right onto the track or, as was the case on a boat in Cambodia, into the water (Cambodia has a serious issue with diseases transmitted through dirty water... I now know why).  Here is another classification system that gets tricky... there was the toilet that I used at a Tbtn home in the countryside.... it was a hole on the mountainside... no walls or anything... you can gaze at the mountains as you do your business.  It's actually cleaner because the sun dries everything up so fast but how terrifying if someone drives by!  When I used this bathroom, I realized that I could clearly see our teams car.  Before I went, I told one of the other girls to make sure that none of the men go to the car to get anything.  I can eat rice, speak a couple of Chns words, but using the bathroom in public will NEVER be something I'll get used to!  Then there is the village toilet that I have heard talk of and seen pictures of but never experienced on my own.... there is a pig that is below the hole and eats the waste... I think I just threw up in my mouth!  It's envronmentally friendly and in line with the circle of life, but WHAT!  

I have a defeat and success story to share... when I was on the bus I had to use one of the ones that has three sides but no door. I really had to go so I convinced myself that I would go quickly and that it's not like anyone is interested in watching me pee.  I forgot one truth... people in the countryside are always interested in everything that a blonde girl is doing.  So as Im doing my thing a grandma and another women stop right in front of me and point at me and say something... here is where the success story comes... they said a whole sentence in Chns and I understood it!  Here is the defeat, the sentence was "your bag is falling into the toilet."  It was just the strap of my backpack so I could wash it, but how awkward to have a conversation with someone while using the toilet in public!  Chn never ceases to shock me which is half the fun I guess...

So my search contiues for the worst toilet situation in Asia... what is more important... cleanliness,  privacy, envronmental impact?  Soul searching questions that never cross my mind at home that's for sure!!!  Oh Chn, how I love thee!

GY

Im balancing my wireless keyboard on my lap as I look out of the window at the countryside of Chn on my way to visit Guiyang.  I've lived in a lot of places in my life so if I were asked to give one answer for what I think of as my childhood home, i'm not sure what I would say but Guiyang is one of the top runners.  For me, home was always where my family was and the continent didn't much matter.  People have asked me if I consider myself a third culture kid and for the most part I don't.... for one thing, they have a bad reputation for being screwed up and maladjusted so if I can avoid that category, I will : ).  For another, we moved back to the States when I was ten, so I don't know that I've earned the title.  All of this being said.... when I'm in Chn, I feel like I'm home.  

The landscape today reminds me of my childhood.  One of my favorite memories was taking the train into Guiyang and making up stories with my dad.  We were going to make a children's book series called "Buff the Country Buffalo."  The basic storyline was that one of the water buffalo that we saw out of the window plowing the rice patties, was going to move to the big city.  We never wrote the stories down, we just made them up together as we rode along.  We did write the titles down and the ones that I remember were "Buff Takes Ballet" and "Buff Takes a Bath."  Chn blessed me with an incredible childhood.  We basically didn't have a T.V. and we spent our time running around outside.  As a family we had those classic childhood memories that you see in T.V. shows like The Wonder Years (love that show!). I built forts with my older siblings, played kickball (with only the 3 of us so we had a ghost runner on every base!), toted my babydolls around our little complex, made lego cities, played computer games on one of those really old crappy computers, listened to my mom read us endless chapter books and adored family game nights.  We also had those memories that were all Chn... we swam in a river that we later found out gave us worms, had our hair washed with vinagar to kill lice that inevitably got to us, ate the grosses ice cream ever and thought it was good, were pointed at and gawked at by people who had never seen white people before, heard the squeal of pigs being killed in a slaughter house right behind our house, saw a truckload of criminals being sent off to execution, spent endless hours trying to clean out an algea filed pond that had never been cleaned, brought a pet eel home from the market (we let him loose in the pond and never saw him again), plucked a chicken that was given to us live, helped my dad wash our clothes in a bathtub with a plunger (it was a clean one), the list goes on and on!  

As probably most of us do, I want to stop there.... with the sweet innocent memories.  But there was another side of the Chn that I grew up in.  Chn is the first place that I saw gut wrenching sorrow.  It was the place where I held a baby that later died and where I saw other sad sites that eventually led me back here.  Chn (Hong Kong) is the first place that I experienced true fear.  Early one morning I woke up to my dad tied up in our bedroom, he was asking my older brother to untie him... Our house was broken into by five men the night before.  These men accidently woke up my little sister which woke up my parents.  No one was hurt and us kids slept through the robbery, but the realization that evil is real and that despite our pr@yers we aren't always protected in the way that we wish we were, became real and terrifying.  Looking back, this was the first time that I realized that my earthly father wasn't invincible and that my Heavenly Father isn't like Batman... He doesn't swoop in to karate kick the bad guys.  There is good and bad in this world and no matter how good we are, sometimes the bad wins (in this life).  That event was followed by many sleepless, scary nights for my family.    

Chn will always hold a place in my heart for better or worse because it's where I crossed over from childhood innocence into adult reality.  It's where I saw the world for what it is, wonderfully, beautifully made but incredibly broken.   All of this leads to one conclusion, although I have had many homes... Chn is where I grew up...or should I say, Chn grew me up.

The Joy of Work!

This is probably going to be a convoluted mess of a post because this is something that I'm still figuring out in my head.   But this is where I am right now…

Working with special needs kids here is tough... not because of the kids but because of the societal view of these kids and adults.  One could argue accurately that things are better than they were 20 years ago... it seems that more children with special needs are being kept than before (although this kind of data is almost impossible to obtain with any accuracy).  This does not mean that the issues regarding special education are over.  There is a lot more to life than breathing in and out.  Now the fight isn't as much for life (although it does continue to be that) but for qualify of life.  As humans, what do we desire in life?  Is love what we seek?  Acceptance?  Purpose?  All of the above?  Are these pursuits G0d ordained or our human nature?  

When I first thought about what the Bbl says about work, I thought of the curse on Adam... G0d basically sent him out of the garden and cursed him with working the land.  So maybe work is terrible?  Some days it feels like it's cursed... But then I thought of my own experience, while I have days that I don't want to be at work, ultimately I like it.  I went through a brief period of time of being partially employed and almost lost my sanity.  I NEED to work and I LIKE to work and trust me, it's not about the paycheck.  Then I started thinking about the fact that it's moral to work... like the Aesop's fable of the grasshopper... you don't work... you don't eat!  But that doesn't totally fit either because it makes work only a responsibility and not a joy.  While I was thinking about this, I started reading this book by Timothy Keller (someday I'll run out of Keller books and then I don't what I'll read!) called "Every Good Endeavor."  In this book he talks about when G0d created the universe... I'll directly quote him so that I don't mess it up : )   "Why didn’t G0d just name the animals Himself?  After all, in Genesis 1, G0d names things, “calling” the light “day” and the darkness “night”—so He was clearly capable of naming the animals as well.  Yet He invites us to continue His work of developing creation, to develop all the capacities of human and physical nature to build a civilization that glorifies Him.  Through our work we bring order out of chaos, create new entities, exploit the patterns of creation, and interweave the human community.  So whether splicing a gene or doing brain surgery or collecting the rubbish or painting a picture, our work further develops, maintains, or repairs the fabric of the world.  In this way, we connect our work to G0d’s work.”  

WOW!  G0d wants US to be involved in His creation... His beautiful, miraculous creation!  It reminds me of making crafts with kids... You could make something almost flawless on your own but you want that kids to be apart of the artwork.  When they dye the Easter eggs, they mix all of the colors and make an ugly brown egg, when they color they go out of the lines, when they paint the whole room is a mess... BUT you invite them to create with you because you long for them to be part of the process of creation.  Sometimes you end up with something messy, but there is something sweet about their efforts.  Now as humans, we have a lot of brown Easter eggs... unfortunately we are really screwing up His natural creation with pollution etc and His human creation though our injustice, greed, and all other sins.  But we are also using our knowledge, our hearts and our physical bodies to add to His creation.  

So where does my work connect to His?  How do I empower the people that I work with to join in the creation process as was intended? 

One point that I am trying to make while being here is that even if these kids with cognitive or physical disabilities will never have the life that their peers have, let's teach them things, let's give them knowledge, a skill, something to feel proud of.  As I’ve said these things and been looked at like I was a wizardly yak, I’ve wondered …Is this just my Western mentality coming through?  Am I wrong, will this not work here?  After all if they're going to live at home for the rest of their life, what's the point in educating them?  Am I nuts for thinking that their education is worth the extra resources?  My conclusion is that I’m not nuts… at least not for that reason : )

This experience has given me confirmation that as humans we seek to have purpose and that our hearts desire this because G0d has made humans desire this.  This purpose has nothing to do with a paying job, although for some of us our vocation is something that G0d puts on our heart.  Just as G0d has given us the desire to love and be loved (because He is love), He has also created us to seek purpose and use our skills in this broken world.  When I was at an orphng, I thought about this.  One of the little girls has a hip displacement so she can't walk and so doesn't go to school (I can't even open that topic or I'll get mean!).  I was hanging out with her and I took out paper and started drawing pictures on the paper just to amuse her.  Her face lit up and she took the pen from me and wrote two numbers and then showed them to me... when I applauded her, she beamed.  Here is a girl that desires to use a brain that G0d has blessed her with but hasn't been given the opportunity.  How sad.  We started teaching her some basic academic skills.  In a measurable way.... it may do nothing for her : (   She may never make it out of that building and may never have a chance to use any of her new skills (G0d, PLEASE make me a liar and get her out)... BUT in teaching her skills, we allow her to seek after a G0d given desire to think, interact with others and use what little resources that she has.  I pr@y that all of us pursue that internal desire to be creators’ whether it’s in engineering, education, healthcare, farming, the arts, parenting, mentoring, service, advocacy, politics, business, etc. etc. etc.  for we are created by the master of all creators. 


G0d's AMAZING Creation!

 G0d’s creative power through humans : )

Bddhism

Today I went out to walk around Old Town, what's left that is, a fire consumed most of it a couple of months ago.  Shangri-La is pretty close to the Tbtn border and is mostly Tbtn people who are Bddhst.  There are Bddhst in other parts of Chn, but here it's really prominent and there are stuppa's and pr@yer flags everywhere.  At the edge of Old Town there is a Bddhst temple and the world's largest pr@yer wheel.  Getting up to the pr@yer wheel is quite the pilgrimage, the elevation is high in Shangri-La so it's difficult to breath.  The pr@yer wheel is up a pretty big hill and you have to climb up steep steps.  As I was walking up the steps, taking a break on every landing so that my heart didn't explode, I noticed two Tbt women in front of me.  They were both elderly with the one being probably 80 years old and using a walking stick.  As I watched them struggle up the steps and as I watched the monks chanting at the foot of the Bddh, I felt a combination of relief and sorrow.  I felt relief that I believe that we are saved by grace... as Chrstns we believe that our salvation is secure because He has bought us by His sacrifice.   Bddhsm is different, (it's actually really complicated and outside of the scope of this blog (and life) to explain the belief system, especially the branch of Tbtn Bddhsm) but there seem to be so many hoops to jump through.  I see people chanting with beads, lighting incense and spinning pr@yer wheels...basically they're begging for something that they don't now possess.  They're longing and struggling to do enough and to be enough for a distant, unreachable deity/dieties/personal nirvana.  It looks stressful, because in reality what is ever enough?

But this also led me to really think about chrstnty (not really pure Chrstnty but more how we actually practice it)... we believe that we are saved by His grace, but do we always live in that freedom?  How often have I said a lifeless, empty pr@yer out of ritual in the same way that the Bddhst recite mantra's while spinning pr@yer wheels?  Is my need to attend chrch on Sunday morning, read my Bbl and volunteer similar to the Bddhst women's need to climb up a mountain of steps while gasping for air?  Are both all of us really  attempting to buy G0d's love via ritual?  I feel like the similarity between Chrstnty and Bddhsm is that both involve sinful, broken humans that long to be saved from this life by something or someone.  The difference is that in Chrstnty, G0d hasn't asked us for the impossible, He hasn't asked for our perfection, He's asked for our faith, our love, our obedience and our devotion.... but when we lack faith that can move mountains, love that is patient, kind etc, obedience despite our sinful nature and our devotion waxes and wanes..., His grace  His mercy and His love engulf us.  

I love this quote by Timothy Keller regarding righteousness talked about in R0mans chapter 3, " Every religion and culture believes that it's the same with G0d (referring to a previous example about righteousness being like a performance record).  It's not a vocational record; it's a moral or spiritual record.  You get out your performance record and if it's good enough, you're worthy of life with G0d and you're accepted.  And then Paul comes along and says: But now... For the first time in history--and the last--an unheard of approach to G0d has been revealed.  A divine righteousness-the righteousness of G0d, a perfect record--is GIVEN to us.  No other place offers this.  Outside of the Gspl, we must develop a righteousness and offer it to G0d and say (hopefully and anxiously), 'ACCEPT ME'.  The gspl says that G0d has developed a perfect righteousness and He offers it to us, and by it we are accepted. This is the uniqueness of the Chrstn gspl; and it reverses what every other religi0n and worldview and even every human heart, believes."  

I don't say any of this to attack other religi0ns... I despise hatefulness for any reason, but especially when it is used to disrespect other people's religio0n...I share this post with you only to express the sweetness of my faith that I was reminded of today.  Sometimes we get lost even in religi0n and need to be reminded of His grace.   

"Amazing grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me!"

Into the Wardrobe: Adventures in Narnia

Advances in Transporation make for something magical... they allow us to be in two completely different worlds within a day... This reality hit me as I waited for the plane in New York... I panic when I am at the airport on my way to Chn.  One of the ways that I deal with this panic is to raid the snack shop.  I take large amounts of time looking at the selection and thinking "What will I miss most in the next ___ months?"  Then I buy it for the plane ride.  It's always interesting to see what snacks make the cut...cheese-its are normally in the running as are Reeses Cups and Gummy Bears.   Coffee of some sort ALWAYS wins in the drink selection although I meant to also buy chocolate milk this time.  

This trip back my routine got messed up because I was frantically trying to send out my newsletter.   I realized how much I love food as a wave of sorrow struck me when the plane doors closed... "Open those doors... I need my last bag of Cheese-Its" I wanted to cry out.   Its funny how airlines announce the closing of the airplane doors.  When I'm going anywhere else I hear the words "Ladies and Gentlemen, the pilot has now closed the cabin doors."  When I'm on my way to Chn, I hear "You are now leaving the real world and venturing into Narnia."  The airport is like the wardrobe with the snack shop being like the coats that the kids pcik up before entering into Narnia.  They know that they're entering Narnia where it is winter so they must grab coats... I know that I am entering a land devoid of beef, dairly and coffee and so I shop accordingly.  

Although the plane ride is long, the transition feels abrupt.  One day you are sleeping in a soft bed, taking bubble baths, speaking a language that you understand in a culture that makes sense... then you enter the wardrobe and step into Narnia.  In Narnia you are sleeping in a rock hard bed, trying to figure out how to successfully shower using a showerhead but no shower curtain and not get the toilet paper or your clean clothes soaked, you are eating only G0d knows what, using toliets that can be horrifying and to top it off you don't understand what anyone is saying, let alone thinking.  On the 13 hour plane ride I went over the rules for re-entry... DON'T DRINK THE WATER, remember to carry toilet paper but try to use public toilets as infrequently as possible, don't eat unpeeled fruits or vegetables or you will be using the public toilets frequently, spitting is completely socially acceptable so don't get annoyed but do look around when you hear someone hawking or you may get hit with a piece of phlemn that defies reality, remember to speak in Chns even though you don't speak chns, remember that people don't tell you what they are thinking or expecting of you so be sure to read their minds, don't step off of the bus without looking or you will get hit by a motorcycle, don't believe the "walk" sign-it lies... All of these rules for a place that is only a plane ride away!  Despite the craziness of the transition and the troubles encountered... Like Lucy, Edmond, Peter and Susan... I just can't help venturing back into Narnia : ) 

A Baby, a Good Bye and a Ring

An emotional rollercoaster... That was the 36 hour period between noon on March 30th and midnight on March 31st.  Let me go back for a second... A couple of weeks ago, my mom emailed me and told me that my grandpap (my dad's dad) had gone into hospice care at his home.  He was having heart failure and it was unclear how much longer he was going to hold on.  My older brother came to my sad, homesick heart's rescue (awww) and offered to use his air miles to fly me home to say good-bye to Grandpap.  All signs pointed to "go home for a visit"... I was at a site that I love but they had just informed me that they had a ten day vacation starting the following week.  That meant that either I would sit around and do nothing (which I hate) or I would go back to kmg and see if there are any kids to evaluate... this would have been ok but since I was not scheduled to be there and many of the families come from the villages, they may not have had much for me to do given the late notice.   I also needed to make one more visa run.  My plan was to take the night bus to Vietnam because it's cheap but I had just read some blogs about it and I was nervous.  Apparently, most people get mugged.  Also, I have heard that it is true that people get sliced up for their internal organs.  There is a black market for kidneys and livers so the gangs tend to target young women... I was told that my organs are too old but it still sounds terrifying!  Buses within Chn seem to be safe but the ones going into bordering counties sound scary.  Sooo that left me with a decision... do I risk the night bus and forever regret it if I get a kidney stolen or spend the extra cash on a flight?  Luckily, my brother's offer to fly me home came before my cheapness got the best of my internal organs : ).  John and I talked and decided that I would come home for two weeks and that I would surprise the rest of my family...  Now you are caught up to March 30th.  

On Sunday, I went over and surprised my grandma and grandpap : ).  Gram was happy to see me : )  My grandpap had dementia during the last two years (?) of his life so while he didn't really remember who I was, he was happy to chat me up anyway!  He was up and talking and looked about how he looked when I left for Chn.  This is also when I met my handsome nephew for the first time.  It was neat to be sitting with the youngest and oldest person that I know in the same room!  After seeing gram and grandpap I went to surprise my immediate family...It just so happened that Sunday evening my family was having a birthday party for my dad and younger sister.  Bill had the genius idea that I skype them (I have skyped into other family functions) and while Im talking to them on skype, run into the house.  So that's what I did and it was hysterical : ).

NOW TO THE GOOD STUFF... THE ENGAGEMENT!

Bill took off of work on Monday so we could spend the day together.  We decided to go up to Ligonier to see the location that we are going to get married at.  Bill has seen the venue, but since I have been in China, I haven't.   There, at the site of our wedding in 193 days Bill asked me to marry him.  I'm crying as I type this because it was the sweetest moment of my life : )  The proposal was so Bill and I... He had the ring in his pocket and was trying to find the right moment to pop the question... I was running around planning and he couldn't get me to stand still long enough to get the words out of his mouth.  Finally, as I was running around talking out tealights, Bill told me to stop moving around and stand with him for a minute.  The next part also makes me smile... as we were talking about the wedding ceremony, he asked which hand he would someday put a ring on and I gave him the wrong hand... Anyone that has know me for a long time knows that I have ALWAYS had a hard time with knowing my left from my right : )  After getting the correct hand, he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him and I screamed!  I've had a good life and have so many things to be joyful about, but that was the most joyful moment I've ever had : )  Although I knew that the formal proposal was coming at some point, I was still really surprised!  Looking back I see that on Sunday and Monday, Bill was extra smirky and I kept asking him what he was smirking about, he claimed that he was just happy to see me.  Well I guess the ring in his pocket was the true reason for his extra smirkyness : )   After spending some time together in Ligonier, Bill and I stopped by my older brother and sister-in-laws house to show off the ring (it's amazing ;) ).  

After talking to them for awhile we heard that grandpap wasn't doing well so we drove to grams.  I said good-bye to grandpap that night.  He didn't pass aways until early Tuesday morning but that was the last time I saw him and he wasn't doing well.  People probably wonder if that put a cloud over the day and while I would have liked to never have grandpap pass away, I feel like I saw something sweet that maybe wouldn't have resignated as much with me if it weren't the day of my engagement... I watched my grandma love her husband of 71 years until the very end.   Grandpap went straight from grandma's arm's to J3sus.  I don't even want to think about ever losing Bill, but when that day comes, i want to be the kind of wife that sticks with him until he breaths his last breath.   

Could more life moments happen within a shorter period of time?  That day I witnessed life's bests loves... I saw the parental love that my brother and sister- in-law have for their new son, the seasoned love that my grandparents have after years of marriage and the joyful young love that Bill and I have for each other.  Within minutes of one another I was holding my one month old nephew followed by holding the hand of my 96 year old dying grandpap followed by holding the hand of my future husband.  It was a day where joy and grief mixed but somehow the grief didn't steal the joy.  And more miraculously still, I was able to see that even in death there is joy because it gives us the chance to celebrate my grandpap's long life and look forward to seeing him Heaven side.

I love you grandpap... You will be missed : (. 

I love you Bill and pray that we get AT LEAST 71 years of marital bliss  ; )