Why G0d?

This is one of those posts that I want to write because through writing I gain clarity... it orders my chaotic thoughts into something bite size, organized and manageable.  But I don't know where to begin on this one...

I'll begin with this... its been a hard week for reasons that I can't discuss now, but I'll say that we live in a sad world that doesn't make sense.  Sometimes it feels like the weak and the innocent suffer while the evil ones get their way.  These sort of weeks always bring the theological question that I can't quite come to terms with... Why does G0d let it happen?  This leads down another path of wondering who G0d really is.  In the past when I tried to process this question, it inevitably led to confusion, disappointment and/or anger.  Confusion because I can't understand why an all powerful G0d wouldn't intervene on behalf of the innocent. Disappointment because I want to believe in a G0d that fights the bad guys... I want Him to save people from suffering.  Anger because if I believe that He can intervene and doesn't, then how can He be as loving as He says.  In the past I've come to the conclusion that I only have two choices....I can believe in a loving G0d who has no power or I can believe in an all powerful G0d who lacks love.  Neither seems correct, comforting or logical.  

In an effort to figure life out, I started reading Philip Yancey's latest book called "The Question That Never Goes Away."  Good book.   In this book he was asked to visit the site of three recent tragedies, Japan (tsunami), Sarajevo and Newtown Connecticut and speak about where G0d is in our pain.  I'm glad I don't have his job.  He makes numerous good points in his book.  I'm not sure that they totally answer, or more truthfully, they don't give me the answer that I want to this question, but its a start.  What I want to happen is for G0d to give us free will but save us when our free will gets us into trouble.  That just doesn't seem to be how it goes. 

So I guess the answer I've come to (right or wrong) is this.... yes, G0d is good.  I've seen too much goodness around me to be able to deny that fact.  Some of the good things I've seen don't make sense other than the fact that they are G0d's goodness.  Part of His goodness is that He makes us free.  I love freedom... I hate being confined or restricted.  There are those times in your life where your own freedom overwhelms you with pure joy... I remember when I was 17, my cousin and I snuck away to the beach for a couple of days (My mom and dad didn't find out at the time, but I think I told them years later?  If not. here's my confession!).  We slept in a car in the Walmart parking lot... it wasn't a luxury vacation but I remember the elation in my heart as I stood on the beach as a 17 year old and though "I'm free."   I get this rush every time I travel, every time I go on a road trip and on the last day of school (both as a kid and as an employee!).  I love being free!  I'm reading 1984 right now and the thought of having my freedom taken, whether it be by humans or by a deity, isn't enticing.  We (as the Human race), have the freedom to make this world what we want it to be.  I believe that most of us, most of the time, use our free will to make our world amazing.  We are creative, fun, loving and hardworking, all of which result in a world filled with beauty.  But we (as the Human race) also have a dark side.  It's this side that we see when we see horrific things like war, starvation, abuse, etc.  I guess that's as good as I'll get in this lifetime at understanding why bad happens.  

  

In the conclusion of his book, Yancey gives three answers to the question, "Where is God?" 

1.  Emmanuel... G0d with us.   Christmas and Easter... G0d could have solved the problem of humanity in a lot of different ways but He choose to send J3sus to us on Christmas.  Then Easter came...He didn't prevent suffering on Good Friday but He redeemed the bad and made it good on Sunday.  The life of J3sus proves that G0d understands human suffering because He has experienced it.  It also proves His power, while He didn't prevent the suffering (crucifixion), He overcame it in the resurrection.  

2.  In the Chrch (Chrch doesn't mean the building... it means it's people).   I've cried a lot the past couple of days because I want answers and I want solutions... My tears aren't tears of the victim because I'm not the victim... I'm the seemingly helpless bystander.  I want to save people that I don't have power to save and lift them out of situations that I can't lift them out of.  One of the quotes in the book is this, "We in the chrch have work to do.  Some have particular gifts: counseling, medical assistance, building houses, other practical ways of helping.  All of us have love.  Suffering isolates, batters self-image, ravages hope; a loving presence can prevail over all three."  Earlier in the book, Yancey points out that while we don't have an answer for "why" bad things happen, we can positively respond in two ways... we can find meaning in the suffering and we can come to help those in need.  

3.  G0d is preparing a new home for us.  Another encouraging quote "Two thousand years later, we live out our days as if on Holy Saturday, the in-between day.  We look back on Good Friday and its clear sign that no suffering is irredeemable; we look ahead with unrequited longing for a creation made new.  Suspended in the meantime, we get not a remedy for suffering but a use for it, a pattern of meaning."

In closing, I felt like this quote summed it up (last quote, at what point does Philip Yancey sue me for reproducing his book : ) ) "God entered the drama of human history as one of it's characters, not with a display of omnipotence but in a most intimate and vulnerable way.  On a small scale, person to person, J3sus encountered the kinds of suffering common to all of us.  And how did He respond?  Avoiding philosophical theories and theological lessons, He reached out with healing and compassion.  He forgave sin, healed the afflicted, cast out evil, and even overcame death.  From His brief time on earth, we gain not only a bright and shining clue to the future but also a clear example of how we his followers should respond to those who suffer."  

Ode to Mothers : )

Happy Mothers Day!!!

I have three mothers or categories of mothers that I would like to say something about...

1.  Mommy Dearest!  I LOVE my mom!  I couldn't have asked for a more compassionate, strong and loving mom.  A mom who raised four kids overseas... homeschooled and all!  When I look back on my childhood, what I see are parents who somehow had a call on their life but never cheated their own kids out of their love... that's hard to do.  No matter where we roamed, they always made us feel at home even when that meant dragging crates and boxes all over the world (thanks dad!).  Throughout adolescents and into adulthood, my mom has always been there for me, regardless of how much was going on in her own life (and with working full-time and being a pstr wife, that was a lot!).  I remember when I was in college at Penn State, my mom drove up to take me grocery shopping and spend the day with me... she had an appointment for work about an hour and a half away but claimed that it wasn't that far out of her way... who does that?  MY MOM!  I love you mom... Happy Mother's Day!

2.  The mom's of Chn.  I have seen some hard things here, but it would be an injustice to not report on the amazing stories and most of the heart warming stories involve an amazing mom.  At the various rehab centers that I've worked in, I have met so many mom's that have done the ultimate act of love... they have kept their children despite their severe disabilties.  This may not seem that impressive to us because we are raised in a society that thinks differently... but trust me, their choice is the most loving, brave and sacrificial decision I have ever seen.  These mom's have endured the ridicule of their families and their community... some have even lost their husbands over the decision.  Their choice to keep their child is sacrificial because they are giving up access to a normal life, they are giving up on the dream of having a "normal" child and in a lot of situations, they are making a decision that will isolate them from their community.  May G0d honor and bless these moms for their love.

3.  Foster moms.  I am humbled to spend Mother's Day with a women who (with her husband) has fostered 78 babies... SEVENTY-EIGHT!!!  I made the comment today that I felt like we were playing "whack a mole."  They currently have a two month old, four month old, six month old, seven month old, two year old and six year old.  A couple of them have a virus so they are a little cranky... I would be holding one and then hear another one cry so I would put the one down to get the second one and the first one would start up again : )   It's not easy having so many little ones!  It's sort of a long story, but it was basically my trip back to Guiyang 3 years ago that made me truely believe in G0d again.  When you see love that is so selfless, you see G0d.  

When I think about the people that foster children, I am humbled by their love... they make the decision to love kids as if they are their own and then they say good-bye to them... I can't even imagine how hard that must be.   May G0d give them strength when they grow weary.  

Happy Mother's Day everyone!  

Scatting Across Asia

Oh the things that we remember from childhood... In 6th or 7th grade we went to a nature reserve as a field trip.  For the life of me, I can't remember where it was or what we did... all that I remember was the chant that we learned about the scientific name for poop... This chant was memorable because it referred to a swear word which shocked my sweet, sheltered heart!  The chant went like this "It starts with an "s" and ends with a "t," but lets not call it that, lets be scientific and call it "scat."  

No travel blog in Asia would be complete with AT LEAST one conversation about the bathroom situation.   It's too entertaining not to share : )  I feel as though I have experienced, or at least heard of, every possible bathroom situation imaginable.  The general rules are this... unless it's starbucks, it will be a "squatty potty," there will be no toilet paper so bring your own and perhaps there will be a sink but no soap.  The variation in "squatty potties" is shocking.  The ones in a nicer home or in downtown will flush, making them fairly clean... One other important fact, you can NEVER flush toilet paper.  It will clog the toilet and so it has to be thrown in a trashcan (think about this... its kind of gross what is going on in that garabage can... sorry but I have to say this... especially in the womens bathroom... There seems to be a national movement against despising of famine hygiene products in a sanitary way).

 

With Chns billions upon billions of people, the cleanliness of the bathroom is directly related to two questions...1.  Does the toilet flush? and 2. Has anyone taken out the garbage in the past week?  So the best toilet situation is Starbucks because they have a western toilet, it flushes and they take out the garabage.  Initially I was naive enough to think that cleanliness was the only factor in determining the acceptability of a bathroom.... I quickly learned that privacy is actually more important to me.  I have something against peeing in public which has served me well in the states but has lead to anxiety or the urge to "hold it" on really long bus trips in Asia.  Sooo, classifying bathrooms gets tricky, its almost a matter of personal choice about what's most important... Cleanliness, privacy or conscientiously about the environment (I'll explain this more later).  

So here are some sample bathroom situations:  One popular option is a long ditch that reaches all the way across the bathroom with stalls along the ditch.  Some of these have water running through them to wash away the waste and other ones don't.  If it's one with water, don't go in the last stall because that's where all of the scat (heehee) settles.  Then there is the terrifying situation where no one feels the need to put up stall walls or stall walls on all sides.  So you are basically doing your business with an audience... I especially hate this situation and will do almost anything to avoid it... unfortunately these are common in the bathrooms at rest stops along bus routes.  When you are on a 15 hour bus ride, your privacy loses the battle.  Then there is the moving transportation (train and boat) issue.  This is where your environmental issues arise... there is just a hole and everything dumps right onto the track or, as was the case on a boat in Cambodia, into the water (Cambodia has a serious issue with diseases transmitted through dirty water... I now know why).  Here is another classification system that gets tricky... there was the toilet that I used at a Tbtn home in the countryside.... it was a hole on the mountainside... no walls or anything... you can gaze at the mountains as you do your business.  It's actually cleaner because the sun dries everything up so fast but how terrifying if someone drives by!  When I used this bathroom, I realized that I could clearly see our teams car.  Before I went, I told one of the other girls to make sure that none of the men go to the car to get anything.  I can eat rice, speak a couple of Chns words, but using the bathroom in public will NEVER be something I'll get used to!  Then there is the village toilet that I have heard talk of and seen pictures of but never experienced on my own.... there is a pig that is below the hole and eats the waste... I think I just threw up in my mouth!  It's envronmentally friendly and in line with the circle of life, but WHAT!  

I have a defeat and success story to share... when I was on the bus I had to use one of the ones that has three sides but no door. I really had to go so I convinced myself that I would go quickly and that it's not like anyone is interested in watching me pee.  I forgot one truth... people in the countryside are always interested in everything that a blonde girl is doing.  So as Im doing my thing a grandma and another women stop right in front of me and point at me and say something... here is where the success story comes... they said a whole sentence in Chns and I understood it!  Here is the defeat, the sentence was "your bag is falling into the toilet."  It was just the strap of my backpack so I could wash it, but how awkward to have a conversation with someone while using the toilet in public!  Chn never ceases to shock me which is half the fun I guess...

So my search contiues for the worst toilet situation in Asia... what is more important... cleanliness,  privacy, envronmental impact?  Soul searching questions that never cross my mind at home that's for sure!!!  Oh Chn, how I love thee!

GY

Im balancing my wireless keyboard on my lap as I look out of the window at the countryside of Chn on my way to visit Guiyang.  I've lived in a lot of places in my life so if I were asked to give one answer for what I think of as my childhood home, i'm not sure what I would say but Guiyang is one of the top runners.  For me, home was always where my family was and the continent didn't much matter.  People have asked me if I consider myself a third culture kid and for the most part I don't.... for one thing, they have a bad reputation for being screwed up and maladjusted so if I can avoid that category, I will : ).  For another, we moved back to the States when I was ten, so I don't know that I've earned the title.  All of this being said.... when I'm in Chn, I feel like I'm home.  

The landscape today reminds me of my childhood.  One of my favorite memories was taking the train into Guiyang and making up stories with my dad.  We were going to make a children's book series called "Buff the Country Buffalo."  The basic storyline was that one of the water buffalo that we saw out of the window plowing the rice patties, was going to move to the big city.  We never wrote the stories down, we just made them up together as we rode along.  We did write the titles down and the ones that I remember were "Buff Takes Ballet" and "Buff Takes a Bath."  Chn blessed me with an incredible childhood.  We basically didn't have a T.V. and we spent our time running around outside.  As a family we had those classic childhood memories that you see in T.V. shows like The Wonder Years (love that show!). I built forts with my older siblings, played kickball (with only the 3 of us so we had a ghost runner on every base!), toted my babydolls around our little complex, made lego cities, played computer games on one of those really old crappy computers, listened to my mom read us endless chapter books and adored family game nights.  We also had those memories that were all Chn... we swam in a river that we later found out gave us worms, had our hair washed with vinagar to kill lice that inevitably got to us, ate the grosses ice cream ever and thought it was good, were pointed at and gawked at by people who had never seen white people before, heard the squeal of pigs being killed in a slaughter house right behind our house, saw a truckload of criminals being sent off to execution, spent endless hours trying to clean out an algea filed pond that had never been cleaned, brought a pet eel home from the market (we let him loose in the pond and never saw him again), plucked a chicken that was given to us live, helped my dad wash our clothes in a bathtub with a plunger (it was a clean one), the list goes on and on!  

As probably most of us do, I want to stop there.... with the sweet innocent memories.  But there was another side of the Chn that I grew up in.  Chn is the first place that I saw gut wrenching sorrow.  It was the place where I held a baby that later died and where I saw other sad sites that eventually led me back here.  Chn (Hong Kong) is the first place that I experienced true fear.  Early one morning I woke up to my dad tied up in our bedroom, he was asking my older brother to untie him... Our house was broken into by five men the night before.  These men accidently woke up my little sister which woke up my parents.  No one was hurt and us kids slept through the robbery, but the realization that evil is real and that despite our pr@yers we aren't always protected in the way that we wish we were, became real and terrifying.  Looking back, this was the first time that I realized that my earthly father wasn't invincible and that my Heavenly Father isn't like Batman... He doesn't swoop in to karate kick the bad guys.  There is good and bad in this world and no matter how good we are, sometimes the bad wins (in this life).  That event was followed by many sleepless, scary nights for my family.    

Chn will always hold a place in my heart for better or worse because it's where I crossed over from childhood innocence into adult reality.  It's where I saw the world for what it is, wonderfully, beautifully made but incredibly broken.   All of this leads to one conclusion, although I have had many homes... Chn is where I grew up...or should I say, Chn grew me up.

The Joy of Work!

This is probably going to be a convoluted mess of a post because this is something that I'm still figuring out in my head.   But this is where I am right now…

Working with special needs kids here is tough... not because of the kids but because of the societal view of these kids and adults.  One could argue accurately that things are better than they were 20 years ago... it seems that more children with special needs are being kept than before (although this kind of data is almost impossible to obtain with any accuracy).  This does not mean that the issues regarding special education are over.  There is a lot more to life than breathing in and out.  Now the fight isn't as much for life (although it does continue to be that) but for qualify of life.  As humans, what do we desire in life?  Is love what we seek?  Acceptance?  Purpose?  All of the above?  Are these pursuits G0d ordained or our human nature?  

When I first thought about what the Bbl says about work, I thought of the curse on Adam... G0d basically sent him out of the garden and cursed him with working the land.  So maybe work is terrible?  Some days it feels like it's cursed... But then I thought of my own experience, while I have days that I don't want to be at work, ultimately I like it.  I went through a brief period of time of being partially employed and almost lost my sanity.  I NEED to work and I LIKE to work and trust me, it's not about the paycheck.  Then I started thinking about the fact that it's moral to work... like the Aesop's fable of the grasshopper... you don't work... you don't eat!  But that doesn't totally fit either because it makes work only a responsibility and not a joy.  While I was thinking about this, I started reading this book by Timothy Keller (someday I'll run out of Keller books and then I don't what I'll read!) called "Every Good Endeavor."  In this book he talks about when G0d created the universe... I'll directly quote him so that I don't mess it up : )   "Why didn’t G0d just name the animals Himself?  After all, in Genesis 1, G0d names things, “calling” the light “day” and the darkness “night”—so He was clearly capable of naming the animals as well.  Yet He invites us to continue His work of developing creation, to develop all the capacities of human and physical nature to build a civilization that glorifies Him.  Through our work we bring order out of chaos, create new entities, exploit the patterns of creation, and interweave the human community.  So whether splicing a gene or doing brain surgery or collecting the rubbish or painting a picture, our work further develops, maintains, or repairs the fabric of the world.  In this way, we connect our work to G0d’s work.”  

WOW!  G0d wants US to be involved in His creation... His beautiful, miraculous creation!  It reminds me of making crafts with kids... You could make something almost flawless on your own but you want that kids to be apart of the artwork.  When they dye the Easter eggs, they mix all of the colors and make an ugly brown egg, when they color they go out of the lines, when they paint the whole room is a mess... BUT you invite them to create with you because you long for them to be part of the process of creation.  Sometimes you end up with something messy, but there is something sweet about their efforts.  Now as humans, we have a lot of brown Easter eggs... unfortunately we are really screwing up His natural creation with pollution etc and His human creation though our injustice, greed, and all other sins.  But we are also using our knowledge, our hearts and our physical bodies to add to His creation.  

So where does my work connect to His?  How do I empower the people that I work with to join in the creation process as was intended? 

One point that I am trying to make while being here is that even if these kids with cognitive or physical disabilities will never have the life that their peers have, let's teach them things, let's give them knowledge, a skill, something to feel proud of.  As I’ve said these things and been looked at like I was a wizardly yak, I’ve wondered …Is this just my Western mentality coming through?  Am I wrong, will this not work here?  After all if they're going to live at home for the rest of their life, what's the point in educating them?  Am I nuts for thinking that their education is worth the extra resources?  My conclusion is that I’m not nuts… at least not for that reason : )

This experience has given me confirmation that as humans we seek to have purpose and that our hearts desire this because G0d has made humans desire this.  This purpose has nothing to do with a paying job, although for some of us our vocation is something that G0d puts on our heart.  Just as G0d has given us the desire to love and be loved (because He is love), He has also created us to seek purpose and use our skills in this broken world.  When I was at an orphng, I thought about this.  One of the little girls has a hip displacement so she can't walk and so doesn't go to school (I can't even open that topic or I'll get mean!).  I was hanging out with her and I took out paper and started drawing pictures on the paper just to amuse her.  Her face lit up and she took the pen from me and wrote two numbers and then showed them to me... when I applauded her, she beamed.  Here is a girl that desires to use a brain that G0d has blessed her with but hasn't been given the opportunity.  How sad.  We started teaching her some basic academic skills.  In a measurable way.... it may do nothing for her : (   She may never make it out of that building and may never have a chance to use any of her new skills (G0d, PLEASE make me a liar and get her out)... BUT in teaching her skills, we allow her to seek after a G0d given desire to think, interact with others and use what little resources that she has.  I pr@y that all of us pursue that internal desire to be creators’ whether it’s in engineering, education, healthcare, farming, the arts, parenting, mentoring, service, advocacy, politics, business, etc. etc. etc.  for we are created by the master of all creators. 


G0d's AMAZING Creation!

 G0d’s creative power through humans : )

Bddhism

Today I went out to walk around Old Town, what's left that is, a fire consumed most of it a couple of months ago.  Shangri-La is pretty close to the Tbtn border and is mostly Tbtn people who are Bddhst.  There are Bddhst in other parts of Chn, but here it's really prominent and there are stuppa's and pr@yer flags everywhere.  At the edge of Old Town there is a Bddhst temple and the world's largest pr@yer wheel.  Getting up to the pr@yer wheel is quite the pilgrimage, the elevation is high in Shangri-La so it's difficult to breath.  The pr@yer wheel is up a pretty big hill and you have to climb up steep steps.  As I was walking up the steps, taking a break on every landing so that my heart didn't explode, I noticed two Tbt women in front of me.  They were both elderly with the one being probably 80 years old and using a walking stick.  As I watched them struggle up the steps and as I watched the monks chanting at the foot of the Bddh, I felt a combination of relief and sorrow.  I felt relief that I believe that we are saved by grace... as Chrstns we believe that our salvation is secure because He has bought us by His sacrifice.   Bddhsm is different, (it's actually really complicated and outside of the scope of this blog (and life) to explain the belief system, especially the branch of Tbtn Bddhsm) but there seem to be so many hoops to jump through.  I see people chanting with beads, lighting incense and spinning pr@yer wheels...basically they're begging for something that they don't now possess.  They're longing and struggling to do enough and to be enough for a distant, unreachable deity/dieties/personal nirvana.  It looks stressful, because in reality what is ever enough?

But this also led me to really think about chrstnty (not really pure Chrstnty but more how we actually practice it)... we believe that we are saved by His grace, but do we always live in that freedom?  How often have I said a lifeless, empty pr@yer out of ritual in the same way that the Bddhst recite mantra's while spinning pr@yer wheels?  Is my need to attend chrch on Sunday morning, read my Bbl and volunteer similar to the Bddhst women's need to climb up a mountain of steps while gasping for air?  Are both all of us really  attempting to buy G0d's love via ritual?  I feel like the similarity between Chrstnty and Bddhsm is that both involve sinful, broken humans that long to be saved from this life by something or someone.  The difference is that in Chrstnty, G0d hasn't asked us for the impossible, He hasn't asked for our perfection, He's asked for our faith, our love, our obedience and our devotion.... but when we lack faith that can move mountains, love that is patient, kind etc, obedience despite our sinful nature and our devotion waxes and wanes..., His grace  His mercy and His love engulf us.  

I love this quote by Timothy Keller regarding righteousness talked about in R0mans chapter 3, " Every religion and culture believes that it's the same with G0d (referring to a previous example about righteousness being like a performance record).  It's not a vocational record; it's a moral or spiritual record.  You get out your performance record and if it's good enough, you're worthy of life with G0d and you're accepted.  And then Paul comes along and says: But now... For the first time in history--and the last--an unheard of approach to G0d has been revealed.  A divine righteousness-the righteousness of G0d, a perfect record--is GIVEN to us.  No other place offers this.  Outside of the Gspl, we must develop a righteousness and offer it to G0d and say (hopefully and anxiously), 'ACCEPT ME'.  The gspl says that G0d has developed a perfect righteousness and He offers it to us, and by it we are accepted. This is the uniqueness of the Chrstn gspl; and it reverses what every other religi0n and worldview and even every human heart, believes."  

I don't say any of this to attack other religi0ns... I despise hatefulness for any reason, but especially when it is used to disrespect other people's religio0n...I share this post with you only to express the sweetness of my faith that I was reminded of today.  Sometimes we get lost even in religi0n and need to be reminded of His grace.   

"Amazing grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me!"